wanted by the karma police

And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

~ Radiohead, 1997

I try not to lose sleep thinking about the afterlife, because, frankly, I have enough things in the here-and-now to give me insomnia. Still, a phone call I placed the other day makes me wonder if I'm truly a cold, selfish you-know-what who will be judged harshly when my time has come.

Allow me a moment to step back to one week ago. I called my parents in a panic because our condo neighbor downstairs was throwing around words like "lawyer" and "I'm not the one who's going to pay for this" because he had a leak that was destroying his ceiling. We needed to get someone in to inspect our place, and fast, because we wanted to appear cooperative.

Only problem was, we didn't know how we would pay such a person (particularly if they found a leak originating from our place) because of our ongoing paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle, and the next paycheck wasn't due into our account for another three days. The last time we had had a financial crisis, we called Jerry's dad (who begrudgingly floated us a loan with instructions to Jerry to "find a real job"). After that experience, I realized it was going to have to be my turn to go begging.

So, under those circumstances, I called my parents. Who, by the way, are anything but flush with liquid assets. Nevertheless, they offered up $250 bucks to hold in case of emergency with instructions to tell the plumber/HVAC guys to bill for the rest. I found myself crying in gratitude for their understanding, torn between feeling embarrassed for undoing 20 years of adult maturation and feeling strangely soothed by having my parents take care of me again instead of the other way around.

The phone call ended with my mother asking when I'd have a chance to get out there because a grocery trip was imminent. Given my current state of indebtedness, I offered up Thursday the sixth because I had already taken off the day so Jerry and I could take Ryan for his two-year checkup. In the back of my mind, I knew that Jerry and I were tentatively hoping to drop Ryan off at daycare afterwards and enjoy some much needed couple-time together, but we didn't have any firm plans. And even though I didn't want to give up the vacation day to spend four hours covering ground at my mother's megastore supermarket, it would probably be preferable to giving up a weekend day and leaving Jerry with the responsibility of watching Ryan all day by himself.

(Now, I suppose you're wondering why Jerry wouldn't be capable of watching his own son for one day all by himself, and I would have to answer yes, he is capable, but if it isn't one thing I'm feeling guilty about, it's another.)

So, Thursday the sixth it would be.

Until Tuesday the fourth came, and I was exhausted from Ryan's two-day birthday extravaganza. And Wednesday the fifth came, and I left the house with a toddler in tow who was bawling from the stern talking-to he received after he gave his father a bloody nose from whacking him in the face with a tennis racquet. And I wasn't coming home right after work because I was having dinner with a couple girlfriends who I hadn't seen in six months, so the racquet-wielding toddler and his father would be on their own for the night. And, worst of all, I realized that I hadn't told this toddler's father that I had sacrificed the next day's couple time for a trip to my parents' house.

At that point, I think I was the one who deserved the bloody nose.

So all day, I had this nagging nauseous feeling. Should I cancel my dinner plans because of the day's rough start? Would that make up for my belated announcement that I would be giving up our couple time and putting Jerry in charge of picking Ryan up from daycare, fixing dinner, entertaining him for a couple hours, bathing him, and getting him to bed? Maybe it wouldn't seem so bad if he didn't have to do that two days in a row?

[sidebar]Again, allow me to clarify that Jerry is NOT an inept ogre who wants to relieve himself of parenting responsibilities at every opportunity. We both realize that the other works pretty damn hard in every other aspect of our lives, so it's all about fairness in our household. And we both have perpetually guilty consciences, even though he's the only Catholic in the family.[/sidebar]

With all these thoughts racing around in my mind, I made the executive decision to keep my dinner plans with my girlfriends and reclaim the next day's couple time, knowing that the consequences would be losing half my weekend and making up an excuse to tell my parents why I needed to postpone. In these kinds of situations, I've learned not to create fictitious illnesses for myself or anyone else, because invariably someone will then get a particularly unpleasant stomach virus. Car problems are also bad excuses for the same reason. Instead, I usually choose to blame work, a tactic I would rely upon this week as well.

My father answered the phone and began the conversation, "We were just talking about you. Are you on your way to Millersville right now?" Um, no. Why did Confused Dad have to be the one to answer the phone? I felt my brain short circuit. What was I doing? "I was planning to come out tomorrow, but that's what I need to talk to you and Mom about. I really don't have time to talk now, but I won't be able to make it." I heard a couple gasps on the other end of the line, one from my father and one from my mother in the distance. "Oh no, that's very bad news." I've gotten used to the mountains they create from molehills, but that response still set me on edge, and I found myself scrambling, not knowing what words were going to come out of my mouth next. I started replaying a conversation I had with my mother during my last visit, where she complained that she felt like she no longer had any say in how she got things accomplished...and I had told her she was exaggerating.

My excuse flew off my tongue before I could stop myself. "I'm so sorry, but you know how I told you about business being bad here at my company? We got a request for a proposal that we have to submit by Friday, and they need me in the office to work on it." Where the heck did that come from? I haven't worked on a proposal in months. Next, my mother takes over the receiver. "Your father doesn't know what day it is. I've told him half a dozen times today that you were coming tomorrow after you took the baby to the doctor. So now you're not going to do that either?" Um, Jerry's going to take him. "Your brother just called to see if we needed anything, and I told him no because you were taking us to the store and he seemed very pleased about that." I'm sure he was. "We can't just go without, we have to get to the store, and this has just been an awful day." I can come Saturday or Sunday, I just can't come tomorrow. "Well, I guess we'll just have to get by to Saturday. I've got a frozen dinner I've been saving." I'm so sorry, but I'll see you Saturday, I'll get there as soon as I can, but I really have to go now. "Okay, we'll see you then." Click.

I am such a bad liar, especially when the naive claim to be on the brink of starvation.

I know there are two issues at play here: is it okay to renege on family duties just because you're feeling like you're burning the candle at both ends, and, given that reneging is a poor strategy for time management, how do you find time for yourself when everyone else has good reason for needing your attention? While I sit here criticizing myself for my poor judgment and questionable values, part of me feels a little justified in being, for once, relatively selfish. As it turned out yesterday, both Jerry and I were tired and did little to take advantage of that coveted couple time (which somehow makes my bail seem even worse), but it was still nice to be free of external obligations for five hours. Would my brother feel this much guilt over rescheduling some errands? Probably not. I'm not convinced that he even feels guilty for going months at a time before even offering to run an errand. Granted, my timing was poor in light of the fact that my parents had just rescued me from financial uncertainty less than a week ago, but when can I get permission to stop beating myself up over not having clones to send out when my physical and spiritual energy stores feel depleted? Why can't I take ownership of my feelings that a little time for myself is not only necessary but deserved?

I'm not sure I want you to answer that question, but have at it!

Comments

[christy]

I have a few thoughts: first, could you call your brother next time and ask him to step in for you as a favor? two, I think you live near me - our county has free services to help the elderly - I shop at Wegmans and I see the senior shuttle there all the time - you should investigate that. It would pick them up at their home and everything. three - I'm thinking about volunteering for something, and I found a group called interfairth care givers - it is not religious - and they do the same thing, pick people up and drop them off. And four - grocery stores deliver! You could start up a standing monthly or twice monthly order for your folks so they could get essentials delivered and not worry.

Finally, I think it's imperative to couples to have couple time, and it's equally important to have alone time - nights out with your girlfriends, etc.

I hope you're not beating yourself up about this too much.

ps - my parents still occasionally help us out financially too. But we prefer to just put an expense like the one you spoke about on our emergency credit card. Then we pay it off asap - dinners out, etc get cancelled until it's paid in full. It works for us.

[ModernMom]

You know what? I think you can cut yourself some slack. You sound tired and overwhelmed and everyone has been there..including your Mother. Sometimes it's just about getting through the day. I'm sure you will make up the errand running with your Mom.
Take a deep breath and carry on:)

[Cara]

I second the first two comments. The little things to make your life easier. You NEED some time. Even if you don't spend it as you plan, just having that time to regroup. It's big. We all lie to our families. They're the little stories we tell that keep the fabric of our relationships intact.

[Emily]

You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. That's always rule #1.

[Lily]

I think with a toddler and two aging parents, you need go cut yourself a break, chica!
Chalk it up to being overworked, and get thyself a bottle o' read.

Also: I tagged you with an award! Check out my blog!

[Laura]

It's funny, whenever I write a post like this, it's very therapeutic. Especially after I look back at the comments, I realize that I was freaking out somewhat needlessly. Maybe I've got a little of my parents' "mountains out of molehills" mindset!

Thanks so much for the tip on Interfaith Caregivers--I didn't realize that you and I must practically be neighbors! I wish I could get my parents to relocate closer to me because there aren't many resources like this where they live (in Millersville, PA, near Lancaster). I've contacted every grocery store/supermarket/farmer's market/fruit stand within a 25-mile radius of their home and not one delivers. You would think that at least one would either want to be modern and progressive and cater to busy working people or provide old-fashioned customer service, but I haven't had the fortune of encountering one yet. I've ordered some things through online retailers in a pinch, but it's hard to find a single source that carries any variety of products. Until something like that comes along, they've hired a woman who they pay by the hour to run errands for them and take to appointments (it alleviated their problem of feeling like they were imposing on friends and neighbors).

My brother, who is 9 years older than I am and whose only son is about to turn 15, lives about an hour closer to them than I do. I've told him reportedly that things have to change, but I don't get much response. I suppose I could (should?) press him harder, but I do realize that I'm also serving as my mom's shrink when I come to visit and I know she values that time we spend together.

[Laura]

You are so right...it's all about getting through the day! I think that's why this is so therapeutic for me. Putting things into writing gives me perspective so I can do just that---get through. Thanks so much for your words of support and encouragement.

[Laura]

What sage words---"the little stories we tell that keep the fabric of our relationships intact." I know whenever a friend confesses to making up an excuse to avoid doing something because they're feeling overscheduled, my response is almost always: Saying no doesn't make you a bad person. I think I need to start taking my own advice---thank you so much for reminding me of that!

[Laura]

Can I put that on a needlepoint pillow so I can read those words every day?! I am SO bad at that.

[Laura]

Mmm...I could seriously use a good bottle of vino.

Thanks for the tag, man. Come to think of it, maybe I should skip the wine and pick up a six-pack.